Sixty-Four: A Birthday Perspective

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Copyright © 2019

by Ralph F. Couey

I turned 64 today, and while time makes such events inevitable, I still felt a mild degree of surprise.  It hasn't been that long ago that I considered people of that age impossibly ancient.  I never thought about what it would be like for me to reach this point.  In fact, less than 15 years ago, I truly thought I'd be gone by now.  For me now to admit, accept, and acknowledge that I am that old is a bit of a tough pill to swallow.  And I already swallow too many.

Physically, I doing better than I thought possible.  After eight years of dieting sandwiched between two surgeries, I am about 235 pounds lighter than I was back then.  Even with five stents in my heart, my cardiologist says my heart  is amazingly strong.  All those elements involved in blood tests are under control and within norms.  I still walk, now building my distance back to my pre-surgery daily regimen of six miles.  Arthritis hasn't manifested itself yet, and my hearing and sight are about normal for someone of my...ahem...age.  I worry about my memory and what I can do to retain the capability I have left.  Our marriage is strong, and we've been blessed with great kids and beautiful grandkids. My biggest problem right now is a closet full of pants that won't stay up anymore.

So, I have really very little to complain about.  But I carry a kind of sadness within, the source of which is a bit of a mystery.  I know I've been incredibly fortunate, and I need to be more grateful.

Last week, I began to get the inevitable inquiries concerning what I wanted for my birthday.  What should have  been an easy answer has led to some introspection.

For most of my life, there's always been something out there that I wanted; something meaningful and exciting.  But for the past few years, there really hasn't been that one big thing on the gift horizon.  While I think that may be a reflection of where I'm at in terms of my life's journey, it does lend a bit of disillusion.  Part of this I understand.  As a child, toys were always the default choice.  As I grew older, my interest became books of which I accumulated a small mountain.  Then I started motorcycling, and the gift hints always went in that direction.  In some cases, I was asked whether it was my birthday or my motorcycle's.  About eight years ago, I started hiking, so my desires became associated with those outdoorish accoutrements.  But things changed.  I had to give up the bike because my reflexes had slowed too much.  I still hike, but I mostly walk in the city because I don't have the time to spend an entire day on a trail the way I used to.  And while I'm still on track to make my annual goal of  a thousand miles, I have to admit that it's not as much fun as being on a trail.

One of the other things that has changed is that we really don't have a space to call our own.  We sold our house in Virginia when I retired, and since then we've lived with family and in extended stay hotels.  Our current situation has us living in the home of Cheryl's 92-year-old mother.  While she has been so lovingly gracious about having us underfoot, it is still very much her home.  I never before realized how important it was to be able to look around at a house and see a reflection of us in the furnishings and decorations.  I miss that, and since we don't have a place to put stuff in, we don't buy a lot of stuff.  

The future is unclear.  Cheryl's current contract expires in two years, and we've already made the decision that Hawai'i is too crazy expensive for us to live here after we've both retired.  The problem that presents itself now is that we've lived in so many other places, we don't have any geographic loyalties.  My trip back to Kansas City for the ill-fated AFC Championship game pretty much cured me of wanting to be that cold ever again.  So, our choices are limited to places where winter is much milder.  We wrote off the southeast because of sinkholes and hurricanes, the midwest because of the impossibly humid summers, and Hawai'i for reasons already discussed.  We had always thought about settling in Las Vegas, but violent crime there is still a problem and it's not very cheap to live there anymore.  That leaves us with Phoenix, which will be a viable option as long as we go someplace else between May and October.  Even if we were ready to buy our own place, we don't know where that place will be.  I joke about ending up in a single-wide in Arkansas.  At least I hope its a joke.

I am working right now for Hawai'i Emergency Management Agency in the operations center.  It's a 24/7 deal which means I'm working weekdays and weekends.  But it's interesting work and the people are fantastic.  I'd like to stay long enough to earn another pension, but that takes me into my 70's, and part of me is worried about the state of my brain at that point.  But I enjoy having something important and vital to be involved in, something I've missed since leaving the FBI.

I had dreams and expectations when I was young about how my life would work out.  The only thing that came true was growing old.  Life will never play out the way we expect, even with the most meticulous planning.  I guess that's what makes it such an interesting ride.  It's natural to look back and think about making different choices at different times.  But if I encountered a genie who would allow me to re-live my life again (with everything I know now, of course), I really think I would turn that down.  Honestly, I would rather stick hot needles in my eyes than climb that mountain all over again.  

Paul McCartney, he of Beatles fame, wrote a song for the Sgt. Pepper album that included the words, "Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64."  Well, I'm 64 now, and I still feel needed and fed by my long-suffering better half.  As I am fond of saying, "It's been over 40 years and she still hasn't shot me, so it must be true love." But on this day, that's one of the greatest gifts I've ever received:  the love of a woman who certainly deserved better than she married.  And that also makes me grateful.

Because on this day that I celebrate my birthday, I won't be celebrating alone.