Photo © Ralph F. Couey
Copyright © 2018
By Ralph F. Couey
"The only reason we do New Year's resolutions
is so we don't have to think about change
for the rest of the year."
--Ralph F. Couey
In a few hours, the terminator marking midnight will begin to sweep across the planet and as that imaginary line passes, humans will throw wild celebrations, marked by fireworks, alcohol, and behavior that likely will be regretted by tomorrow morning.
Still, there is an air of optimism as the clocks tick forward from yesterday into tomorrow. 2018, for all its triumphs and tragedies, for all the dreams realized and those crushed will pass into history. In it's wake, 2019 will arrive with all the attractive fascination of a shiny new toy. We will celebrate tonight, obscuring the very real idea that nothing much will have changed.
One of the most common questions asked of people on their birthday is, "Well, how does it feel to be ______ (insert the appropriate age)?" The question is a bit inane because that kind of change doesn't show up overnight, unless of course the person is turning the age where alcohol consumption is now legal. The same is true of New Year's. The world will not have magically transformed itself between tonight and tomorrow morning. People will still love those they currently love, and hate those they already hate. The tribal conflict that our national political environment has become will not suddenly vanish. Politicians of both parties will continue to lie and their constituents will continue to believe those lies, and the cycle of hate and intolerance will continue.
If, during 2018, we had a problem with abuse of alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, anger, laziness, or an utter incapacity to care much about anything important, then 2019 will be no different. Oh, we may make promises to ourselves, but human behaviorists all agree that our commitment to those vows will be gone by mid-January. And life will go on, just like last year.
If we were to honestly examine these things closely, we might begin to understand that despite our protestations to the contrary, we rather like the old us, because we're comfortable living in that little box. We complain -- a lot -- but complaining is something of a recreation these days. We don't really want to be fixed; we just want to be able to continue chipping our gums. We blame others, people, institutions, environments, because if our problems are the fault of someone else, then we are relieved of the responsibility to do anything about them. We can't change other people, so we rest easily in the delusion that there's no reason to change ourselves.
If we were really serious about fixing our lives, we wouldn't wait for the convenient chronological waypoint of January 1st to do so. We could make those major alterations on August 1st, or June 19th, or September 23rd. We don't need a date; we only need to be irretrievably fed up. And willing to hold ourselves responsible for the process.
I think one reason why we fail at these kinds of things is that we expect too much too fast. Any change, physical, emotional, or circumstantial, can only be done one step at a time. Also, we need to be always aware that there will be times when we suffer setbacks, or outright failures, but not allow those moments to defeat the larger purpose. Remaining true to the...well, cause...is the real victory.
Chrissie Evert-Lloyd, one of the most dominating women's tennis players in history was in a match once with her back to the wall. She was down two sets in a five set match, sitting at 0-5 in the third set, and literally on what could have been the last possible point of the match. Defeat was imminent, but instead of surrendering, she stood her ground and fought all the way back, eventually winning the match. People who win don't give up on themselves, even when the world has given up on them. Yes, it will take an enormous amount of effort, and living with a nearly-invisible margin for error, but it can happen. Humans are wired this way from birth. We only need to search; dig down deep for that primal part of us which stubbornly insists that surrender is not an option.
Set realistically attainable goals. If you want to lose 50 pounds, then concentrate on the reduction in diet and increase in activity to achieve one or two pounds per week. Know that some weeks you won't lose an ounce, and may in fact put weight back on. But a task that is planned to last 12 months won't get done any sooner than that. You may find other weeks where you'll lose not one or two pounds, but four or five. Learn to live with the inconsistency and the patience of the long view.
Almost any other change can be approached in the same way, one step at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. But they all carry the same requirement: Don't give up.
Also, expect that you may be the only person who knows that something positive is going on. We rely too much on the affirmation of others, who after all are deeply entwined in their own problems. Cheer yourself, applaud yourself, boost yourself. There is a lot of strength deep inside that we never know exists until we actually go looking for it. And at the end of our quest, next December 31st, we can look back and revel in what we actually accomplished instead of once again berating ourselves for failures.
If you have a trusted friend who can help hold you accountable, then quietly share your promise, and commit to helping them as well. But don't judge; encourage. And be there for each other during those times when frustration and temptation put it all at risk. Friends are there to help us become better people, not encourage our self-destruction.
Resolutions are necessarily unique to the individual, as are our perceived problems. But there is one resolution that can find common ground. That resolution was best expressed in the scriptures as "The Great Commandment." Love one another. Yeah, that's a toughie. But we can do it.
It's okay to disagree on issues, but it's not okay to use those disagreements as a cudgel against others. How we look at the world, and the opinions we hold is a natural consequence of the journey we have taken through life. That journey is our own and not shared with anybody else, so it's actually a bit irrational to expect, or demand, everyone else to agree with us on every issue. Respect each other's journey, and the experience they've had along the way. And remember that as much as we would like to think we are, we are seldom always right.
2019 is nigh, and coming to a world that desperately needs change, both small and large. It is up to us, and us alone, to make our world a better place. As Abraham Lincoln once said, "We, even we here, hold the power and bear the responsibility."
Let's spend the new year being kinder, more loving and respectful. Let's not take on the whole world, just our small corner of it. We all have a lot of corners, and they add up.
Happy New Year!
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